this life is a journey.

Catch your breath,
Hit the wall,
Scream out loud,
As you start to crawl
Back in your cage
The only place
Where they will
Leave you alone.
'Cause the weak will
Seek the weaker til they've broken them.
Could you get it back again?
Would it be the same?
Fulfillment to their lack of strength at your expense,
Left you with no defense;
They tore it down.

And I have felt the same as you,
I've felt the same as you,
I've felt the same.

Locked inside
The only place
Where you feel sheltered,
Where you feel safe.
You lost yourself
In your search to find
Something else to hide behind.

The fearful always preyed upon your confidence.
Did they see the consequence,
when they pushed you around?
The arrogant build kingdoms made of the different ones,
Breaking them 'til they've become just another crown.


Refuse to feel anything at all,
Refuse to slip,
Refuse to fall.
Can't be weak,
Can't stand still,
You watch your back 'cause no one will.
You don't know why they had to go this far,
Traded your worth for these scars,
For your only company.
And don't believe the lies
That they have told to you. Not one word was true
you're alright, you're alright, you're alright.

a friend died this past weekend. it was heartbreaking. and so surreal. you forget stuff like this can happen in your life, until it does. and it rips your heart out. Caroline and I were not close friends, but she was a sister in Christ, someone I shared 4 years with, ocassionally chatted with, and spent time with even if it was in a group. our class was a unit, even if we all hated each other at times. and Caroline was so joyful, so happy. I knew that much about her. everyone knew that about her. Today at her service, we celebrated her beautiful life here on earth. and we celebrated her entrance into the Father's arms. She is complete, perfect, and where she belongs. us, here, we are not where we belong. we are only here a brief moment to share God's glory. but where we belong, home, is in the Father's arms, with sweet Caroline. that day i look forward to, but what about my legacy? i know ive made my share of mistakes, been plenty selfish, but i would hope that people would be able to remember me as someone that had a beautiful heart like Caroline's. i can only hope. and today, when Caroline's sweet college best friends were sharing about the friendship they had with Caroline, i remembered the amazing friendships I have in my life that I shouldnt take for granted. i should never go a day without letting people know i love them and that they are wonderful. remind them that the Lord can take us at any day, so we should live our lives accordingly. and we really should. and i want to reach that point where i am completely content in Christ and who He made me to be. maybe that will be the day i go home to Him. until then, i love you. yeah, even if i dont know you. and i urge you to seek Christ. He adores you. He wants your attention more than you can even imagine. and sweet Caroline, joyful Caroline, i am enthralled by your love for Christ and jealous of your time with Him. you are now more perfect and joyful than any of us here. thank you for gracing us with your life. we have all been blessed by you, even with by the smallest of smiles. :) rest in peace gorgeous. He is now holding you in his arms, forever.

"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two." --st. augustine.

i have found that although being IN love is wonderful, love is much more beautiful. why? because of this quote. because when you love someone, you make a choice. its not a feeling. loving someone takes so much more of you than being in love. loving someone proves that we were created by someone so much bigger than us, because loving someone is one the hardest things to do. it can be painful, discouraging, scary, worrisome, dangerous,.. should i continue? you get my point. and i make love sound horrible. its not. its wonderful too, but its not perfect. it cant be. only one kind of love is, and thats the Father's. and because of His love, we can love. do you know how painful it is for Him to love us? all the things we do to hurt Him everyday, are all the same things that happen in everyday love except He reciprocates with just the opposite of human fleshly love.

love is a temporary madness. because once the temporary part is done, our flesh can no longer be in front. being IN love is our flesh, and as wonderful as it is, its not us choosing or working for anything. love that is easy, is not love.

because love isnt supposed to easy, but it is worth it. God promised us that.

im kinda.. ok really a dreamer. i like to imagine the way something should be or will be in my head, then when it doesnt happen that way i get all disappointed, let down, or upset. why? why do i put expectations on people and situations?

people arent perfect. i know that. and nothing goes according to plan. well, it does. it goes according to His plan. i guess i just get so caught up in my way of doing and seeing things-and watching movies/tv shows & reading books that make everything seem perfect doesnt help- i know life isnt a fairytale, but why is it that when something gets bad or goes wrong according to me, i run. i run away from it. and not literally, but in a sense i do my own running. i shut down, get mad, cry, piss people off. and the people i love the most, are the people i put the most expectations on. im sorry- the anyone who is reading this that i love- im sorry i put so many expectations on you, im sorry i push you to do things my way, im sorry i take control. im controlling. i know this about myself. i guess its a good thing i know, but it doesnt matter. i still do it. and i know why i control. controlling people control because they dont trust. they're afraid. they're afraid of something. getting hurt in some way or another. am i afraid of this? i know you cant answer that for me. i cant even answer it really.

i need to trust Him who never hurts. He doesnt leave. He doesnt break hearts. He doesnt forget about you or me. and i need to trust the people i love to love me back. i need to let them love me the way they want too and the best way that they can, because then it will really feel like love and not forced love. and i need to trust them to be themselves and let them take care of me on their own account, because they will. i know they will. but when i expect, when i push, when i control, it makes it hard for anyone to love me freely. they still do, but it makes it a task and not a choice. i want to be a choice, not a task. BUT. i am a choice. i was chosen by the Lord, the greatest choice. and i was chosen by my parents, kinda, but they didnt have to have me. and i was chosen by my boyfriend, even today i still am. and i was chosen by my friends, to be befriended. none of those people have to love me. but they do. so im going to stop being scared they might stop loving me one day. because they wont. yeah, they wont.

and i love you. yes, you.

jeremiah 29:11- yeah this applies alot. even though the whole world has heard it. which they should. because its true. and it gives me hope. it reminds me that im loves. always.

as i sit, in the darkness of my room, even though its mid afternoon, i encounter a sweet time with the Lord. through pain and insecurity, He finally breaks me. finally. and then He rescues me. i once again called for help, but this time He answered. He held me. and although it didnt feel all better, i was able to rest in His arms. cry in His arms. He wants me. and he wont stop until He has me. thank you Jesus.

i dont know what my future looks like, i feel so uncertain about anyone who has ever said they truly love me. is there only One that truly loves and never gives up? although He doesnt always reveal Himself, He is always there. I dont have to question whether He loves me. and that lets me rest. gives me peace. because when i feel like no one else could ever love me or will be able to keep loving me, i know with the Lord that will NEVER be the case. He is breaking and renewing me daily. and im thankful his love is never ending, so big, and so perfect.

and the song that the Lord used to break me. and rescue me. I should have known.



"Falling on my knees in worship
Giving all I am to seek Your face
Lord all I am is is Yours

My whole life
I place in Your hands
God of mercy
Humbled I bow down
In your presence at Your throne


I called You answered
And You came to my rescue and I
I wanna be where You are

In my life be lifted high
In our world be lifted high
In our love be lifted high"

hillsong- came to my rescue

gosh i love this weather- and when i say weather, i mean temperature and sun, not "the yellow" (thanks em). pollen for those who dont get "the yellow." this stuff is killing me-literally. im going to die a sudden chaotic death because of head explosion. haha. that would be hilarious. kinda.. but thank the Lord for sun and 70 degree temp. its awesome. i want to go prancing in a filed of daisies. yes that would be fun. if i knew where one of those were. im such a rambler.

summer is approaching and im so excited. tanning, the pool, sixflags, lemonade, pushpops, friends, ill be making buttloads of money doing my fave thing ever: being with kids, and just less responsibility. im so blessed with an awesome carefree schedule all the time. seriously, i have it easy, yet am still able to make good money and get school done without being overly stressed. God is surely in control. and His plans are apparent. and im so thrilled about the present and future. i wont ramble anymore, but here's some encouragement for the day:

Therefore if anyone is in christ, he is a new creation. the old has gone, the new has come. 2 Cor. 5:17

i am a new creatioN.
you are a new creation.
renewed.
REJOICE!

yes children, you heard me. i cant move. well, i can move, but not really very good. i started working out again on monday- and let me tell you- when your body gets used to being stagnant, it doesnt like it when you decide to move again. : ) im trying to be consistent here and so far i have continued to go although im in pain. my brother, who i a certified personal trainer, keeps telling me to push through and eventuallu my body will adjust to exercise. it better. im glad i have him to tell me what to do.. when i think about it, im actually obsessed with working out. its just getting myself to the gym. once im there, i could workout all day. who knows where this motivation comes from. maybe summer.. or thats a part of it i suppose.

speaking of summer- i am thrilled for it. im only taking one class, which will be enough in itself because its anatomy and it comes with a lab. but still a break indeed. i love everything about summer. the clothes (once ive worked out more), the pool, the warm sun, the lazy days, the people you love, super soaker fights, the ice cream (alex's neighborhood is the best!), getting crazy tan, the sprinkler under the trampoline, walks barefoot, everything barefoot. heh. i just love it all. and im looking for a job. still trying to get one at a starbucks- applying at the trickum one. hopefully, ill get the job. i need it. my schedule is so odd that i cant do like a restaurant job or anything. i need something thats open early til late. the summer will give me better hour options, so again looking forward to it.

how is everyone else? i hope fabulous. enjoying this beautiful weather?

im so pumped its the weekend. i have a good one ahead of me. and to think this past week was kinda rough for me. i honestly couldnt tell you why- it just was. i was very emotionally unstable, feeling quite a bit of rejection, and just pure lazy. i skipped alot of class this week, cried out to the Lord for help alot this week.

i guess the best conclusion to my feelings are satan. he is the only one that can make me feel so attacked, yet not understand why. but God brought me though it. once i finally asked Him for help. and here i am, happy as a clown. overjoyed for this weekend im spending with my family and my love. ADORE these weekends.

and did anyone catch LOST last night? kate and aaron? something is sketchy!! i love LOST.. love it... : )

so, here's to a fabulous weekend filled with blessings.
I am rejoicing in a new day!!
Rejoice with me!!

its beginning to feel alot like spring. but who really knows with GA weather right?

i adore spring. adore it. the start of warmth in march. the april showers and may flowers only bring me happiness.
and my anniversary with al is in may- may 15 to be exact- 3 flippin years. thats a lonnng time ladies and gents. but its been wonderfully long. : ) what do you do for a 3 year dating anniversary? im sure we'll think of something insane- NOT. we are so low-key. its great. you have to be. otherwise, you run out of money and things to do after like 2 weeks.

anyways, i dont really have anything good to say. just felt like writing.

i have come to a conclusion. i am in love with ikea. it might be the greatest store on earth. i can and have spend hours in there. it has everything you might ever need concerning decoration/living in your house. when i buy a house, im going to be making a weekend trip there. i will probably sleep in the store considering they have beds ready made. ive pretty much planned out my house already. oh what a joy it will be to decorate. my second love. wait, its more like my 4th. : )

school is lame. love is great. God is great. getting a job is lame, but money is great. well kids, thats life i guess. there are things we enjoy and things we dont. but all necessary for growth and life. all i know is God has blessed me. and is continuing to do so. im thrilled for what's to come, simply because i look forward to the future always. im learning to be content though. right here, where God has me. He knows me. He knows what i need.

-so here's to being content, while looking forward to what's to come.

speaking of what's to come- im going to chattanooga this weekend for my brother's bday and im thrilled. were going to rock city and the caverns. i LOVE field trips. especially family ones.

aloha! bonjour!
i adore you all : )

i was so encouraged by this song tonight. i havent heard it for years, but when i used to listened to stacie orrico i always -loved- this song. and tonight, as im singing in my bed as i always do, it just came out. like i said, havent heard it for years- obviously the Lord, because im usually hooked on the artists i was just listening to in my car or on itunes. but not tonight. 

God wanted me to sing it. 
THEN think it. 
because i obviously wasnt thinking it before i sang it. so here i am thinking it and trying to figure out why God gave it to me, just like always. but i dont think it was meant to be thought. << quote me on that line. something's very oxymoron-ish about it. anyways, i simply came to the conclusion that writing about it was thinking enough for me. 

and mostly, i wanted to share it with you all, whomever you might be other than my regulars. ; ) because it only takes -one- person to impact many. but its Him. not me. He's done and doing the work. << there i go again with those phrases...

so here.

its not her words, its the Lord's. that will be obvious to you when you read the lyrics. but i encourage you to READ the lyrics, not just skim them because you already know the words. because they are so extremely special. they are meaningful. they are powerful beyond belief. they have changed my life. it wont hurt you to read them and thank the Lord for his promises while your at it. (( i even bolded it for you, now there's no excuses. : p ))

without love

"If I speak in the tongues of angels, but have not love 
I'm only a resounding noise 
If I have the gift of knowledge 
And if my faith moves mountains high 
But have not love I am nothing 

Though I know the One 
Who holds the stars in the heavens 
In the palm of His hand 
If I give all I possess 
To the poor and the helpless 
I'll still gain nothing 
Without love 


Love's patient 
True love is always kind 
Love does not envy 
Never brags, it's never proud 
Slow to wrath, it keeps no records of wrongs against friends 
Love forgives 
We all could use forgiveness 

Though I know the One who holds
The stars in the heavens 
In the palm of His hands 
If I give all I possess  
To the poor and the helpless 
I'll still gain nothing  

Love never fails 
Love is true 
Love's the one thing that can always change you 
Love is patient 
Love is kind 
Love's the one reason the world survives 
Love never fails 
Love is true 
Love's the one thing that can always change you 
Love is patient 
Love is kind 
Love's the one reason the world survives 

Though I know the One who holds
The stars in the heavens 
In the palm of His hands  
If I give all I posses  
To the poor and the helpless 
I'll still gain nothing 
Without Love" 


we know The One who holds the stars in the heavens, in the palm of His hands.
REALLY??? 
yes. really.
He is my God.
He is so mighty.
He is Abba Father.
He is love.


so i must ask it. what does LOVE mean to you? i want to get feedback here. some of you will be able to give me super straight answers, organized answers. and many( i know at least one ;-) ) will need to analyze, examine their hearts, and give me the mush. the gush. << those are all good by the way. and both types of answers are wonderful. 

its mostly for you. for God to teach you a bit more about yourself. for you to realize what love is to you, so you can better understand how to love others and believe it or not-- yourself. you must love yourself. please guys and gals. you're too amazing to not love yourselves.

and its some for me. to know how to love you better. even if i dont know you, i still love you deeply.

so i have this passion for singing. like crazy. music literally does something crazy to me. when im singing, listening, recording(on my nifty garageband) something insane is going on in me. i dont know why. well, i do actually. The Lord has put it in me, given it to me. i connect with Him most when im worshipping Him. for those of you who sing, make music, etc. understand this completely. so here's where my heart has been tugging me lately. 

so this website: http://www.pyzam.com/bloggertemplates

19 really feels no different. but i guess i shouldnt be disappointed by that. i think im ready to grow up and when i say grow up i mean like just be out of college and like 22 or something..  is that a problem? why am i so restless of this stage of life? why do i ask the Lord to help me dwell on His blessing of the now, yet find myself dwelling continually on His one day blessings later? why do those later blessings seem like their better blessings than the now blessings? im not as discontented as i sound, im enjoying life and all, but i jues cant get my head out of the clouds.. why am i so weird? 

Real love, Real friendship is available and enthusiastic. Real love responds to people with eagerness and not with reluctance and regret for all the things that are being neglected in order to spend the time and attention on a friend. Real love builds treasure in Heaven, but it doesn't build any treasure on earth, or achieve any status. Real love costs your -whole- life.