this isnt, what you're used to, at all.

its raining. and these lyrics are raining in my head. what a beautiful song. a good reminder of what God has in store.



"Tailor Made"

Twenty-five,
All of these mixed emotions,
Tangled up in pure confusion,
It’s hard to let go of the past, but it seems,
Easier as time is moving,
Well you said he makes you laugh,
And he makes you happy,
He sees you smiling back,
It is everlasting,
And so he’s tailor made for you,
With stunning golden hues,
And one sweet tone to soothe,
Your persistent beating heart it’s just a start,
And I, have seen you everyday,
You’ve never been like this before,
He’s tailor made, tailor, tailor made,
So let go all of these mixed emotions,
Forget all your hesitations,
Together entwined inside this feeling,
Feet off the ground, head hits ceiling,
Then he whispered in your ear,
He’s absolutely falling,
The words he said are clear,
So don’t insist on stalling
Because he’s tailor made for you,
With stunning golden hues,
And one sweet tone to soothe,
Your persistent beating heart it’s just a start,
And I, have seen you everyday,
You’ve never been like this before,
He’s tailor made,
Oh sister, don’t be troubled,
Oh sister, please be calm,
Cause this isn’t, what you’re used to, at all,
He’s tailor made for you,
With stunning golden hues,
And one sweet tone to soothe,
Your persistent beating heart it’s just a start,
And I, have seen you everyday,
You’ve never been like this before,
He’s tailor made, tailor, tailor made

-colbie caillat

"there was no doubt about which side i was on."

i want to write. i need to study. why is it that what i want and what i need are always so different?.... *sigh* one of these days maybe they'll line up. for now, i NEED to do what i NEED to do, not what i WANT. meh. more to come, most likely on death cab. heh.



content? oui, madame.

in remembrance.

last october, one of my friends from high school went to see Jesus after a bad car crash. her boyfriend went with her also. it was a real hard thing to go through considering our small graduating class of 38. it only took 2 years for someone to pass away, but God knew what he was doing. this is an email that was sent to some people by her mother recently. my prayer is that we can all show love this way, to everyone we encounter, so that when that day comes that God decides its time for us to meet with Him, people will be absolutely positive we cared for them. and they were touched by us. let us leave a legacy to be remembered.

"My daughter taught me to love. It's a simple word that has a vast meaning. Love can mean compassion, uncensored and true, living in the moment. Love can be unconditional and unprotected and vulnerable, which is a scary place to be, a place most of us choose not to be. But my daughter taught me it is this place of love that holds the meaning of life for us here. The reason we're put here is to receive those precious gifts of love from the Lord all around us. At times we lose those gifts just to remind us that we're not here to place judgment, hold bad feelings, get lost in our own needs, but to extend or surpass our own boundaries and give love. For in the end, that's all we have." -Mrs. Hartrampf

amen. we miss you caroline.

l.o.v.e.

"Can I ask you something? Hanging out with Jake seems to take your mind off things for a bit, doesn't it? You know sometimes, you gotta learn to love what's good for you, you know what I mean? Of course, what do I know? I'm just a terminal bachelor... Famous ladies man." charlie swan, TWILIGHT NEW MOON [movie]

im not a huge twilight fan or anything, although i might start because those boys[jacob & edward] are two sexy, sultry men. anyway, this quote doesnt seem like a big deal or anything and its better in context when youre watching the movie, but its the only one that really stuck with me. "you know sometimes, you gotta learn to love whats good for you." im learning to do that. so slowly, but its happening. and for me, learning to love what's good for me is about learning to love the Lord more & more. really it is. as i seek Him, He makes it more aware that i too often love what FEELS good to me, rather than love what is good FOR me. im SO incredibly stubborn. that needs some work.

this year has been a crazy ride. its been the hardest year of my life, the most rewarding, the most impacting, the most faithful i have seen God be to me.... its been tough. im ready for 2010, a new year, a new decade, that will bring NEW things, new life even. it will also bring hardships with it as well. i think thats something im realizing as im growing up- each year will bring challenges unlike the year before. i will have to continue to look to the Lord for strength. i will have to make more hard choices. im ready to make hard choices. that may seem silly, but until now i've never been put through the fire per say like this year. i generally have it pretty easy. im learning to handle things like an adult. im learning to stand up for the people i love and the things i believe. im learning that life doesnt always go as planned and thats okay. im learning that as fragile as my heart is, its also very strong. and most importantly, im learning to live life with open hands, so that i can be used however the Lord wants to use me. not an easy thing, but SO rewarding.

[im also aware that my grammar, capitalization, etc. is horrendous. its clearly not a pet peeve of mine, or even a care, sorry if its yours. :p]

i got off track as always. my mind thinks about so many things all the time, that when i sit down to vent and write, i go SO many directions. heh. but tying back to the quote in the beginning, i want what God wants. i want to love what is good for me, and what's good for me is God's will. so i suppose that seeking Him out with all i have is the best way to learn to love what's good for me. i really think i know best. [tessa, that is so dumb.] I DONT. accepting that things might just be better a different way than i had planned or expected is... something im still working on. constantly. im also thankful for nice distractions that are sent your way, that help you realize you are okay, and maybe even better than okay. yes, i believe so. this past week has been.... challenging to say the least. but i asked for grace to get through it, and im doing just that. thanks God.

and one more thing, i have made idols out of things that are not fit to be. recognizing that hasnt been hard, letting go HAS. only by His grace. "Those who cling to worthless idols forfeit the grace that could be theirs. Jonah 2:8

a royal mess.

today is thanksgiving. im sitting down in my room all by myself, after helping my mom cook. i cant fight this feeling in my stomach. its in knots. the holidays have always been beautiful and they still are, of course. but im scared.

thanksgiving, christmas, new years, my birthday, ...... the list goes on. how am i supposed to do this without you?.... you were supposed to be here. with me.

im sad. and i need to get over it. today is a day of thanks. and im thankful, really. but i didnt expect today to be so grieving to me. i cant help but fake a smile today... maybe i wont have to fake it the whole time... but i will literally have to "fake it til you make it" today.

i dont have much to say. my heart is in pieces today. my stomach is in knots. my head is a mess. and my face shows.


today, im thankful for grace to get through it all. because i know i will.

the sky is falling. and i dont care.

for the evening, i've been watching one of shows that i enjoy, and decided to watch another one to keep me from actually thinking before i try to sleep. oh, why would i do that? i've been doing that SO much lately. just holding myself back from actually feeling what i need to feel, thinking what i need to think.... i cant shake this one. not tonight. and for the first time in awhile, thats okay with me. im so ready to be over & done with us. ready to actually be able to wear a real smile when people ask how im doing. im not okay.

the good thing is, God is capable of getting me exactly where He wants me. and He will. i know its going to continue to be a long hard road, but He's got a plan. im literally putting one foot in front of the other these days. i just realized how vulnerable im being here, for anyone that actually reads this.

i dont even know where my head is at. can i get some appreciation? some love? maybe some encouragement?

i need a lyric break.

.....................................................................

And I can’t carry on living like this,
talking through glass.
You know that I can’t be the one to banish the mist,
and ghosts in your past.

And so I’m left without a choice but walking out,
Though I’ve no hope I’ll ever find someone like you.
My head screaming I have to leave you,
but my heart is filled with doubts;
I don’t I wanna leave, but tell me what else can I do?

-thrice. talking through glass. [brilliant artists. christian lead. lyrics are moving, go read some.]

....................................................................

is anything too hard for the Lord?

"the only thing too hard for the Lord is our deliberate and continual disbelief in His love and power, and our ultimate rejection of His plans for us."

tomorrow comes the song.

whoonu.

i can do this. step by step.

in the still of the night.

so here i am at 2:45 in the morning. i love this time. i wish i was better at sleeping earlier, but there will be time for such a thing later in life.

thoughts:

i want to KNOW you. should i clarify? yes. i love your heart. i love your soul. whether i know you or not. please let me in. this sounds like a dumb plea. it most likely is... but regardless, i am discouraged by the lack of trust and openness between friends and lovers all the same. people dont like shallow. and i despise it. rather, it even makes me very upset. trusting and relying on God comes first. of course. but with THAT peace comes community. i long for community. i live for it. i have it. a great one honestly..... but i wish i could really know and understand everyone's longings, emotions, dreams, etc.. i really do.

its a hard thing for me to grasp this whole "holding back" thing. im learning how to be more guarded with my words and my affections... but its super tough let me tell you. is it wrong that i dont want to be guarded though?! i would rather get hurt a million times than be fake with someone. and i know being fake and being guarded are different, but for me theyre hard to differentiate. im asking for help on this one.


i just want to know where youre at. i want to know whats going on in your life, spiritually, physically, emotionally, mentally. too much? PLEASE NO. i want it all. and then some. this may not make any sense. this whole post. but i care about you more than you know. so just know that.

love, peace, and beatles.
P.S. beatles rock band anyone?

a thirst.

"i've never known a love so true. i wanna see all of you." -matt wertz

matt wertz is obviously talking about a girl here, but it made me think of the love my Jesus has for me. He wants me. and He wants ALL of me. and He is not content with what little i have to give. im not content with what little i have to give. He wants more of me. and i want more of Him. im thankful that there is someone who is willing to fight for me. fight hard for me. that gives me faith that one day He will give someone else the desire to fight with everything he has for me. im encouraged that is out there. finally.

im so thankful for His faithfulness. im so grateful for where He has me. His timing is perfection. ive been seeking Him about desiring His timing. and not mine. is becoming more of my reality daily. im seeing Him be my reality daily. [thanks God.] He stands at the throne with open arms.

:::The Spirit and the Bride say, "Come." And let the one who hears say, "Come." And let the one who is thirsty come; let the one who desires take the water of life without price. ::: Revelation 22:17

youre invited into His arms. its the sweetest, safest place to be. :)

ohweee.

i thank my God everytime i think of you.

back to the beginning.

Real love, Real friendship is available and enthusiastic. Real love responds to people with eagerness and not with reluctance and regret for all the things that are being neglected in order to spend the time and attention on a friend. Real love builds treasure in Heaven, but it doesn't build any treasure on earth, or achieve any status. Real love costs your -whole- life.

im such a lover. seriously. God loved us so much He sent His son to die for us. He loves us so much that he continues to pursue us no matter how much we deny Him. He loves us through all the yuck. such yuck. He loves us the corinthians 13:4 way- well, duh. are we willing to love others like He does? I know i want to, but am i really willing to?

i will break through my selfish sin, my insecurities, the enemy's grip, & other's view/hold on me and ask The Almighty to make my want, into my need to, and will to. The beatles got it right- all we need is love. as sinners we want other things, and as humans we do need sustenance. but through Him, we only need love. love Him completely, love others unconditionally, and love ourselves truthfully. thats it.

here's a quote i like alot. thought i would share. its kinda corny, but im really corny, if youre not used to that already.

"if love is great, and there is no greater thing, then what i feel for you must be the greatest."

tell someone you love them today. that you REALLY love them. cause if you lost them tomorrow, wouldnt you hate to think they didnt know how you loved them?

"i dont want to make you my crutch anymore."

life excites me. seriously. like emily anne, i have also been short on words lately. obviously. but i think its because i havent stopped long enough to even think about anything for real. but now, as im sitting here contemplating things, im happy. im proud of so many people for listening to the Lord, for learning themselves so they can better love and serve, for letting God give them grace to get through the day, etc. im so happy. and so blessed. i want to share it. i want other people to know how GOOD my God is. and how He's changing me.

ministry is key. and its going to start happening more often. my friends already love the Lord. lets go share it guys. were together practically every day. i love you for it.


plus, went to a show tonight. and the enemy lovers are fabulous. you should check them out.

brief.

the wreckers make me happy.

my God saved the day. yet again.

im having a weird morning. woke up feeling SO nauseous.
went back to sleep hoping to get better so i could make it to church to sing 2nd hour.
woke up again, still felt nauseous, more than before. ugh.
just woke up again, still feel nauseous and my head hurts now too.
plus, i feel a lot of other things. my head is in a weird place this morning.
or maybe my heart.... maybe both.
im insecure today. more than ever.
im alone today. & its making me realize im still hurting. a lot.


i feel like i can trust anyone. im just going to get betrayed. ive been betrayed a good bit...
i feel like im not worth it. i KNOW i am. but i dont know that i completely believe i am, yet.
i feel like i get taken advantage of. people abuse the parts of me, that God has given me for good. so not fair.
i feel like im not ready to give up, to let go. i know im not. i should be. why wouldnt i be?? God has proved SO much more for me.
i feel, i feel, i feel...
i could go on & on. these are my insecurities. they tie into my fears. theyre emotions. theyre not based on truth. and God wants to break them, because they are lies.
i know theyre lies, yet i still find myself struggling with them so often. im human.
BUT God is not human. and He is mighty to save. oh, How He loves us.

as i worshipped on the marietta square last night, with fellow believers, i found myself giving everything up to God. i dont want control any longer. i dont want to believe the lies that the devil is feeding me. he wants me to feel this way. i refuse. i refuse to let him take over my thoughts & emotions. i KNOW truth, but i need to start BELIEVING truth. meditating on it constantly. surrounding myself with others who are doing the same. [thank you God for community.] but this morning, i found myself worrying. which is not allowing God to take over. i guess it will be a daily battle. we are in a spiritual battle. every second. and God is more powerful. WAY. but i still have to surrender constantly if i want God to consume me. i do. so, so much. when i am satisfied in the Lord and what HE says about me, i am so incredibly joyful.


+++story time. so encouraging. i have a friend. hes awesome. and i have had the opportunity to be a light to him when he is surrounded by darkness. He knows the Lord, but is not walking in His promises, as so many arent. saddening, but so easy to get caught up in. ive been doing it for a while now. yesterday, as we were talking about things, he encouraged my heart more than anyone has lately. he said, "tessa, there is just something about you and emma that is contagious, it makes me want to be a happier person, it makes me want to seek the Lord. your joyfulness almost never leaves your presence. even when your not joyful, you are. i want to be around you and emma all the time because i cant get enough of you guys. you make everyone around you smile. and that says something..." the words arent exact. but very close. because i treasured that encouragement like never before. (emma, i hope ive told you this story before you read it here.) but man, can you believe it? you go about your days trusting in the Lord's promises and who HE says you are, and that is what is portrayed to others. God is SO good. [God, continue to strengthen my faith in you, that everyone might see this joy that my friend is talking about.] what a blessing.+++

this is such a long post. i feel like my attitude from the beginning is so gone. what great God we serve. He led me to blog, because i honestly didnt feel like it, but something was drawing me to it. duh, [thanks God.] and He changed my heart and mindset for the day through it. i am in awe by who He is. i hope you are too. blessings.

'Cause I know my God saved the day
And I know His word never fails
And I know my God made a way for me
Salvation is here

thanks & joy.

:::You have made known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand.::: Psalm 16:11

im completely thankful for the Lord's provisions. and hearing emily anne's story from africa made me realize how truly blessed we are here in america. and how often we take for granted God's blessings. always wanting & needing more than what He provides us with on a daily basis. how often do you really thank the Lord for His blessings? and how often are you REALLY content with those blessings? here in america we are so accustomed to bigger, better, prettier, more expensive, etc.. im frustrated with the american way. im frustrated with myself. im frustrated that i so quickly forget my riches in Him and desire more riches in this world. i truly desire joy to the highest degree- a joy that is impenetrable by this world's standards & expectations.

"True joy is NOT an emotional state. It is a spiritual state - a state of profound thanksgiving for the help received from the Creator in one's own life." coming from someone is who is SO driven by emotions, this hit home. finding joy in the Lord really is the only true joy. and from that true joy we find in the Lord, stems happiness in our lives. apart from the Lord, we have no good thing. oh but america, just society in general WILL try to convince you otherwise. we have all been sucked into this trap. and we will continue to. it takes true security & joy in Him to know who you are & WHOSE you are and know that that is good enough. it always will be. im just so very blessed. the Lord keeps surprising me with the way He was been growing me in Him. as i said in my last blog, His character just proves to be more and more sufficient. and His character is showing up in others. it is possible for me to find people who are as invested in this life as i am. who want to serve and praise next to me. who also want true joy found in Him. who arent saying "maybe later...", they desire the Lord's blessings NOW, they desire to praise Him, give Him the glory for all He has done for us. i praise the Lord for these people. they have given me a reason to celebrate His mercies. they have blessed me with their encouragement, love, and community. i am finding true joy in Him. and He is making my days more joyful by blessing me with everything i need. right here in atlanta, ga. and now im ready to start passing on this joy to others. EVERYONE should know and believe in this true joy that is found in our Lord Jesus!! He is worthy to be praised!!

i am not conformed to this world. i am transformed as i renew my mind to God's Word. i experience the good and acceptable and perfect will of God. [[refers to romans 12:2]]

:::May those who delight in my vindication shout for joy and gladness; may they always say, "The LORD be exalted, who delights in the well-being of his servant."::: Psalm 35:27

let me know how i can be praying for you, my friends. call me, text me, write me on facebook, or better- lets get coffee or icecream, etc.. i wanna hear about what the Lord is teaching you. i want to experience joy with you. love you guys. whomever you may be.

-tess

dear friends,

God has been using a lot of different people to confirm some things He wants me to do. and its thrilling. ive decided to change my major from nursing to psychology so that i can then get certified to be a christian counselor/psychologist. and i will be focusing on kids mostly. thats where my heart is. i always thought that i was supposed to be a nurse, but i never really felt like that was what God was calling me to be. and even though it seemed like the most logical choice for helping people over the past year God has been changing my heart and has been helping realize my options. im really SO excited. i cant wait to start this new chapter. i mean, its still school. but i am going to adore it so much more. ive never been so excited to do something for my entire life. for real.

and.... i need some prayer on this one please... but im really praying about taking the semester off to do some missions work and travel a bit. and also do some volunteering around here with some organizations that do awesome stuff for people. ive realized that when i stop thinking about myself so much and help others that my world really is better. im doing what God created me to do. im glorifying Him in the best way possible. and all my problems and insecurities get put aside because there are so many people in need of a Savior. in need of love. its humbling. and brings you to a place where youve never been happier, because well... He made us to serve my friends! and that looks different for everyone.

::1 Peter 4:10- Each one should use whatever gift he has received to serve others, faithfully administering God's grace in its various forms. ::

God is confirming in that verse that it looks different for everyone, but that we should use what He has given us to serve others. i just want to serve. ive been too selfish lately. and God has been making me aware.

::food for thought:: what is God making you aware of lately? and how you can use that to serve others better?

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

this somewhat goes in another direction, so its like two blobs [em ;)] in one. but its been awhile, so i suppose its ok. and plus, i can do whatever i want. teehee. :)

im so blessed. thats all i can think about right now. how blessed i am to amazing friends [hi emma. :)] who know me. who understand where im at. who want to challenge me. who help me challenge them. who love the Lord and want Him to be a part of our friendship at all times. i adore what the Lord is doing. He's proving to me that He really does KNOW what He's doing. [why did i ever doubt this?]

He knows me. thats amazing. and im getting to know Him. and His character is proving to be so sufficient.
[again, why did i ever think differently?] im silly. and i like to do things my own way. i think i always assumed the Lord didnt care about the details of my life, that he only cared about the obvious things. but He is proving me wrong right down to the very smallest of details. He cares about my life. and....He cares about my love life. [thats a toughie.] but He does. He is a romantic God. and He knows EXACTLY what i need. that is SO thrilling. every time ive really stepped aside and let God be in control, He has always wowed me in some way or another. why do i forget that? oh yeah. im a sinner. and i have a need to control. but He is breaking me of it.

::food for thought:: what is it that you need to release to God today?


what an awesome God i have.

what an awesome God WE have!!! Rejoice!!

:: Psalm 66:5- Come and see what God has done, how awesome his works in man's behalf! ::

no west nile for me.

i just killed a mosquito flying in front of my face. and it fell right on top of the "a" key. hmmmm. well, score for me. i was going to "blooog" (heh, em!) tonight, but just realized its 2:25 am and i need to be waking in 8 hours. i would like that much sleep tonight. ill get back to you later k? i promise. i know its been a while. and my life is one crazy whirlwind right now. i sure would like to share. and surprisingly enough this blog is such a nice little outlet for me, even though i havent been using it for that lately. :( if i have any readers, i adore you!! ill be back soon :)

10 things God wants you to remember.

i will bless you.
i will give you rest.
i will not fail you.
i will strengthen you,
i will provide for you.
i will answer you.
i will be with you.
i believe in you.
i am for you.
i love you.