this life is a journey.

"faith makes everybody scared. its the unknown, the dont know, that keeps me hanging on and on and onto You."
:lifehouse, unknown.


Oswald wrote in 'my utmost for His highest', "jealously guard your relationship with God." wow. he also says, "dont pretend to be open with Him." i think so easy for me to put my relationships before the Lord. why? He created them. He is the author of all my relationships, so shouldnt He be my beginning, my go-to, and my end? He IS my source. im learning to let go and let God. i cant, He can.


God, i know you want me all to yourself. for so long ive ignored you and allowed my relationships [idols] to take me over. & im just now getting to the place where putting you 1st is becoming more natural. i have to be able to comprehend the way you love me, before i can have that physical representation of your love & not make it into my all. you know i do that. thank you for loving me so so dearly. your love for me is being comprehended by me in the mere fact that you want me all to yourself right now. oh, sweet Jesus. thank you for your precious and unconditional love. when no one else wants me, you do. you ALWAYS do.

& thanks for growth God. youre opening up my heart to receive your plans. youre allowing me to entrust my life and wants to you. finally, im getting to a place of peace, where i really dont care what happens because it will be in your will. thank you for that peace. i asked, you gave. i desire to go Father. i want to serve you. i want to tell people about you. i know i can do it here, but will i?

God, i patiently wait for you.

Psalm 37:7
:Be still before the Lord; and wait patiently for Him.

Psalm 40:1
:I waited patiently for the Lord; He turned to me and heard my cry.

.........................................................................................................

that was an excerpt from my journal back in january. i was in tears seeing what God has done in the three months since i wrote this. He has brought me to places i never expected. He's taking me to rome this summer, and little did i know when i wrote this journal entry that ended with "i desire to go Father. i want to serve you. i want to tell people about you. i know i can do it here, but will i?" ... little did i know that He would be taking me halfway around the world to share Him in my most favorite way. worship. its raw, its Jesus' heart for those that He loves. and im so incredibly passionate about it.

thank you Jesus, sweet One, for your provision. thank You for never letting go.

OH, how He loves us.

so, its been a while. but as i was reading through my journal i came across a section of it that stood out to me. its from passion 2010, beth moore. God is always equipping me, but ive recently been exposed to the fact that God has much bigger things for me than i have for myself. right about now God is equipping me for those HUGE things. He is equipping you too.

4 ways He equips us.

[1] He prepares us.
..Ephesians 1, 2:10: He prepared us for something specific, in advance.
..2 lines: natural blood line, spiritual blood line >> both have equipped us. every bit of both is intentional. not one bit has been wasted.
..Romans 8:28: all things for good.

[2] He adjusts us.
..God puts us in situations so that He can bring us into His will. our biggest adjustments will be to people. He brings us to a place where in our natural self we couldnt love certain people that we love now. He allows us to love.
..until we die, were going to keep changing.
.. until you are around people who bring out the worst in you, God cant bring out the best in you.

[3] He repairs us.
..surrender to the Lord, not just ministry. in following Him, He is calling us to all kinds of things.
..Galatians 6: restore, equip, mend. He restores us. He is constantly restoring us. [thank you Jesus.]
..broken vows, broken relationships, broken commitments, God always wills to restore people. always.
..Hebrews 4:16: Grace and Mercy.

[4] He fills us.
..Hebrews 13:20-21: through Jesus Christ. only Christ in you. HOW MUCH WILL YOU GUVE TO HIM SO THAT HE CAN FILL YOU?
..you will never live a day in the spirit accidentally. never.
..were running our own race. just me and Him.

this has been my song for the night. so i have to start with it. its from A FINE FRENZY's new album "bomb in a birdcage. check it out.

******
It must be written that
The moon elbowed the stars and said
"Let's do our best to make it hard for them"
Your house turned into paper cranes,
We watched the wind blow them away
Some sorry comfort I was then

The weight of a mountain
The skin off your knees
From climbing up to me
We can work this out
I believe, although it seems impossible

They turned our skeletons to wood,
And scattered matches underfoot
We must walk carefully these days
The circles darken round our eyes
And yet our bodies, when combined
They gleam like diamonds in a cave

The weight of a mountain
The skin off your knees
From climbing back to me
We can work this out
I believe, although it seems impossible now

Keep the world without
Only the two of us count
Two hearts as one
It is possible now
They'll try to tear us down
But we'll find our way again

And Heloise,
Gave her whole heart to Pete
Now eternally sleeps by his side
Oh, go ahead fate
Oh, give us your best
What is worth living for, is worth a fight
Into the night

We can work this out
I believe, although it seems impossible now
Yeah, without a doubt
We'll work it out
They can't hurt us now
On my knees,
It makes me want to scream n shout
"Yeah, we'll work this out"
Just the two of us
Keep the world without

-the world without.

******


well, one thing i know is im ridiculous. and miserable these days. but another thing i know is God is still God. and He is STILL working. i just have to keep waiting on Him. trusting His timing. something i completely suck at. i dont want to be weak. i hate being weak. i hate not being able to honestly tell people im doing great. because lately, i've been telling people that... and its no where near the truth. life is incredibly tough for me right now. i sound like such a little girl. i am a little girl. im only 21. and life is only going to get more challenging.

i feel like good ol' david in the psalms. im always crying out to God. to be in a place of needing Him is exactly where i should be, but im sick of hurting, sick of wondering, sick of asking myself the same thing every day, but.. HE IS MY REFUGE. i just have to keep reminding myself of this.

i want to fight. i dont know if i can expand more on this... maybe another time.

this post is a complete mess of randomness... but that just about sums up my life right now. i just felt like blogging, so i did just that.

i hope you guys are all much more perky than i am. im ready to be my perky self again. time, time, time.

*******

in an effort to find some pictures to put up in my room, i found more than i bargained for. going through a special drawer that still remains was the culprit that brought it all back. sheesh. i shouldve known. im weak tonight.

there were more sweet notes than i ever remember. you're a witty boy. cards full of love. flowers dried from many moons ago. a list of 78 things i wanted to do with you, i never even showed you. many we finished, many we didnt.

star wars 3 came out may 18, 2005. you were in a wheelchair. in another theatre. we texted through the whole movie. i thought you were adorable. this was the start of my movie stub collection. way to encourage the pack rat in me, without even realizing it.

our first kiss was unforgettable. the date was forgettable, the moment is not. i hope ill always remember it the way i do.

june 30, 2006 you handed me a note through the king road sbux drve thru. it had an alligator on it, warning me not to get eaten up. go figuure.

september 1, 2006 you asked me out, again. on a piece of paper. i said yes. just like in the movies. imagine that.

valentines day cards with your witty, sweet words were found. and of course my v-day movies. i adore those. rainy day cards appeared because those were our favorite days. and our favorite days to cuddle. you really were a good cuddle buddy.

birthday princess gear still in tact. should i bring that out for my 21st?.... we'll see. i cant believe you wont be a part of my life for my birthday.

big papa dill pickle, still packaged. i dont even remember where you got him from.

ticket stubs from all kinds of places and adventures, i cant even begin to start. thats an oxymoron.

the day you drove away from my house with ALL your stuff in the car, i didnt think i would ever see you again. i was wrong.

sept.1 you talked to me online. well, technically, it was sept.2. you had a hard day because sept.1 was/is special to us as stated before. it was then i knew i still loved you all the same, although i had done a real good job of convincing myself otherwise.

sept. 10 i met you at your park to talk. i hadn't seen you in 3 months. that was crazy to me. that night was crazy too. we talked for hours. a deep conversation. emotions flew high. you said you knew we werent supposed to be together then, but you couldnt let me go. you couldnt let go of the thought of spending forever with me, still. i can feel that night on my skin. that sounds weird, but you know.

i wont go to six flags for awhile. you know why. its okay. i understand. and i forgive you for it. taking the easy way out wasnt an option for you anymore. it wasnt for me either, i just didnt know i was doing it at the time.

the last thing i stuffed in that drawer was our brand new tickets. that concert was phenomenal. and i might remember that as our last night. our last night of nothing that was actually something. because after 4 years, its gonna take awhile for something great to be nothing at all.



most of all, in that drawer, there was lots of love that i took for granted. there was more than i could have ever asked for. it was my first love story. you were my first real love. thank you for letting me fall madly in love with you. and i know you felt the same. its all there in the drawer. too bad you're not in there. hah.

of course, thats just stuff, but that stuff is a physical representation of our memories, the love we shared, us growing up. thanks for those. for realzz.

all this happened while lifehouse is playing on my mac-daddy in the background. good choice, [tessa.]

"i loved you more than you'll ever know, part of me died, when i let you go."

i know youre shaking your head, thinking this girl has always been crazy. you loved me, regardless. because for so long, i didnt believe you did. but you did. very much. im not really sure what this is. i guess its a 'hey, we had a great love, its sad to see it go, but i know it had to.' or maybe its something completely different. i cant actually talk to you. so this is it. this is my way of venting to you, just like i always did.

and will you ever read this? if you get here, congratulations. you did it. im proud of you. dont EVER forget that.

peace. love. and sushi. my new favorite thing.

and i quote:

its crazy to look at journal entry from 3 days ago and see all that the Lord has done in my heart during that time. its incredible. i asked for strength and He gave it. and He is continuing to give it. something i realized on my drive home last night is that life is always going to be hard. its never going to stop being hard. i need to learn to trust God now and seek Him through things. if i continue to allow myself to get down and overly think things everytime something is difficult in life, i wont enjoy life. not only that, i wont glorify Him in all things. God never promised it would be easy, only that it would be worth it.

He has a master plan. i have to learn to trust Him in that. HAVE TO. He wants me to surrender it all to Him. and its a process.
"you have to get more excited about God, then you are about me, or anything else." - a smart guy.

[JOHN 12:27] now my heart is troubled, and what shall I say? Father, save me from this hour? No, it was for this very reason I came to this hour. Father, glorify YOUR name! -Jesus speaking about His death.

it amazes me that though Jesus knew He was going to die and He could have done something about it, HE DIDNT. He wanted to glorify the Lord. thats all He asked for- to glorify His Father's name. He knew His Father had a plan, and it was all about glorifying His Father. nothing else mattered. ITS ALL FOR THE GLORY OF THE LORD!!

[2 COR 12:9-10] three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But He said, "my grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

lyric interruption.

"so what could i say? and what could i do?... but offer this heart, oh GOD, completely to you...."

"so, ill stand with arms high and heart abandoned, in awe of THE ONE who gave it all. and ill stand, my soul Lord to you surrendered. all i am is yours." :::the stand. hillsong united.

ALL I AM IS YOURS, LORD.

i can offer nothing. i can do nothing. HE does it all.

"so, offer up everything tessa...." He speaks.


"as long as we are pursuing Him, we are satisfied in Him. it is when we stop actively loving Him that we find ourselves restless and gravitating toward other means of fulfillment." -crazy love. chan.
......YES!

"from this moment, God you are my all. i will fail at times in putting you first. i will fail at actively loving you. i will fail at being contagious and outrageous about sharing your love. but you are mighty to save. you come first, because from you flows ALL good things." -my prayer.