in an effort to find some pictures to put up in my room, i found more than i bargained for. going through a special drawer that still remains was the culprit that brought it all back. sheesh. i shouldve known. im weak tonight.
there were more sweet notes than i ever remember. you're a witty boy. cards full of love. flowers dried from many moons ago. a list of 78 things i wanted to do with you, i never even showed you. many we finished, many we didnt.
star wars 3 came out may 18, 2005. you were in a wheelchair. in another theatre. we texted through the whole movie. i thought you were adorable. this was the start of my movie stub collection. way to encourage the pack rat in me, without even realizing it.
our first kiss was unforgettable. the date was forgettable, the moment is not. i hope ill always remember it the way i do.
june 30, 2006 you handed me a note through the king road sbux drve thru. it had an alligator on it, warning me not to get eaten up. go figuure.
september 1, 2006 you asked me out, again. on a piece of paper. i said yes. just like in the movies. imagine that.
valentines day cards with your witty, sweet words were found. and of course my v-day movies. i adore those. rainy day cards appeared because those were our favorite days. and our favorite days to cuddle. you really were a good cuddle buddy.
birthday princess gear still in tact. should i bring that out for my 21st?.... we'll see. i cant believe you wont be a part of my life for my birthday.
big papa dill pickle, still packaged. i dont even remember where you got him from.
ticket stubs from all kinds of places and adventures, i cant even begin to start. thats an oxymoron.
the day you drove away from my house with ALL your stuff in the car, i didnt think i would ever see you again. i was wrong.
sept.1 you talked to me online. well, technically, it was sept.2. you had a hard day because sept.1 was/is special to us as stated before. it was then i knew i still loved you all the same, although i had done a real good job of convincing myself otherwise.
sept. 10 i met you at your park to talk. i hadn't seen you in 3 months. that was crazy to me. that night was crazy too. we talked for hours. a deep conversation. emotions flew high. you said you knew we werent supposed to be together then, but you couldnt let me go. you couldnt let go of the thought of spending forever with me, still. i can feel that night on my skin. that sounds weird, but you know.
i wont go to six flags for awhile. you know why. its okay. i understand. and i forgive you for it. taking the easy way out wasnt an option for you anymore. it wasnt for me either, i just didnt know i was doing it at the time.
the last thing i stuffed in that drawer was our brand new tickets. that concert was phenomenal. and i might remember that as our last night. our last night of nothing that was actually something. because after 4 years, its gonna take awhile for something great to be nothing at all.
most of all, in that drawer, there was lots of love that i took for granted. there was more than i could have ever asked for. it was my first love story. you were my first real love. thank you for letting me fall madly in love with you. and i know you felt the same. its all there in the drawer. too bad you're not in there. hah.
of course, thats just stuff, but that stuff is a physical representation of our memories, the love we shared, us growing up. thanks for those. for realzz.
all this happened while lifehouse is playing on my mac-daddy in the background. good choice, [tessa.]
"i loved you more than you'll ever know, part of me died, when i let you go."
i know youre shaking your head, thinking this girl has always been crazy. you loved me, regardless. because for so long, i didnt believe you did. but you did. very much. im not really sure what this is. i guess its a 'hey, we had a great love, its sad to see it go, but i know it had to.' or maybe its something completely different. i cant actually talk to you. so this is it. this is my way of venting to you, just like i always did.
and will you ever read this? if you get here, congratulations. you did it. im proud of you. dont EVER forget that.
peace. love. and sushi. my new favorite thing.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Saturday, January 16, 2010
a peek into my journal- jan.16th, 2010.
and i quote:
its crazy to look at journal entry from 3 days ago and see all that the Lord has done in my heart during that time. its incredible. i asked for strength and He gave it. and He is continuing to give it. something i realized on my drive home last night is that life is always going to be hard. its never going to stop being hard. i need to learn to trust God now and seek Him through things. if i continue to allow myself to get down and overly think things everytime something is difficult in life, i wont enjoy life. not only that, i wont glorify Him in all things. God never promised it would be easy, only that it would be worth it.
He has a master plan. i have to learn to trust Him in that. HAVE TO. He wants me to surrender it all to Him. and its a process.
"you have to get more excited about God, then you are about me, or anything else." - a smart guy.
[JOHN 12:27] now my heart is troubled, and what shall I say? Father, save me from this hour? No, it was for this very reason I came to this hour. Father, glorify YOUR name! -Jesus speaking about His death.
it amazes me that though Jesus knew He was going to die and He could have done something about it, HE DIDNT. He wanted to glorify the Lord. thats all He asked for- to glorify His Father's name. He knew His Father had a plan, and it was all about glorifying His Father. nothing else mattered. ITS ALL FOR THE GLORY OF THE LORD!!
[2 COR 12:9-10] three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But He said, "my grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
lyric interruption.
"so what could i say? and what could i do?... but offer this heart, oh GOD, completely to you...."
"so, ill stand with arms high and heart abandoned, in awe of THE ONE who gave it all. and ill stand, my soul Lord to you surrendered. all i am is yours." :::the stand. hillsong united.
ALL I AM IS YOURS, LORD.
i can offer nothing. i can do nothing. HE does it all.
"so, offer up everything tessa...." He speaks.
"as long as we are pursuing Him, we are satisfied in Him. it is when we stop actively loving Him that we find ourselves restless and gravitating toward other means of fulfillment." -crazy love. chan.
......YES!
"from this moment, God you are my all. i will fail at times in putting you first. i will fail at actively loving you. i will fail at being contagious and outrageous about sharing your love. but you are mighty to save. you come first, because from you flows ALL good things." -my prayer.
its crazy to look at journal entry from 3 days ago and see all that the Lord has done in my heart during that time. its incredible. i asked for strength and He gave it. and He is continuing to give it. something i realized on my drive home last night is that life is always going to be hard. its never going to stop being hard. i need to learn to trust God now and seek Him through things. if i continue to allow myself to get down and overly think things everytime something is difficult in life, i wont enjoy life. not only that, i wont glorify Him in all things. God never promised it would be easy, only that it would be worth it.
He has a master plan. i have to learn to trust Him in that. HAVE TO. He wants me to surrender it all to Him. and its a process.
"you have to get more excited about God, then you are about me, or anything else." - a smart guy.
[JOHN 12:27] now my heart is troubled, and what shall I say? Father, save me from this hour? No, it was for this very reason I came to this hour. Father, glorify YOUR name! -Jesus speaking about His death.
it amazes me that though Jesus knew He was going to die and He could have done something about it, HE DIDNT. He wanted to glorify the Lord. thats all He asked for- to glorify His Father's name. He knew His Father had a plan, and it was all about glorifying His Father. nothing else mattered. ITS ALL FOR THE GLORY OF THE LORD!!
[2 COR 12:9-10] three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But He said, "my grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
lyric interruption.
"so what could i say? and what could i do?... but offer this heart, oh GOD, completely to you...."
"so, ill stand with arms high and heart abandoned, in awe of THE ONE who gave it all. and ill stand, my soul Lord to you surrendered. all i am is yours." :::the stand. hillsong united.
ALL I AM IS YOURS, LORD.
i can offer nothing. i can do nothing. HE does it all.
"so, offer up everything tessa...." He speaks.
"as long as we are pursuing Him, we are satisfied in Him. it is when we stop actively loving Him that we find ourselves restless and gravitating toward other means of fulfillment." -crazy love. chan.
......YES!
"from this moment, God you are my all. i will fail at times in putting you first. i will fail at actively loving you. i will fail at being contagious and outrageous about sharing your love. but you are mighty to save. you come first, because from you flows ALL good things." -my prayer.