this life is a journey.

"Can I ask you something? Hanging out with Jake seems to take your mind off things for a bit, doesn't it? You know sometimes, you gotta learn to love what's good for you, you know what I mean? Of course, what do I know? I'm just a terminal bachelor... Famous ladies man." charlie swan, TWILIGHT NEW MOON [movie]

im not a huge twilight fan or anything, although i might start because those boys[jacob & edward] are two sexy, sultry men. anyway, this quote doesnt seem like a big deal or anything and its better in context when youre watching the movie, but its the only one that really stuck with me. "you know sometimes, you gotta learn to love whats good for you." im learning to do that. so slowly, but its happening. and for me, learning to love what's good for me is about learning to love the Lord more & more. really it is. as i seek Him, He makes it more aware that i too often love what FEELS good to me, rather than love what is good FOR me. im SO incredibly stubborn. that needs some work.

this year has been a crazy ride. its been the hardest year of my life, the most rewarding, the most impacting, the most faithful i have seen God be to me.... its been tough. im ready for 2010, a new year, a new decade, that will bring NEW things, new life even. it will also bring hardships with it as well. i think thats something im realizing as im growing up- each year will bring challenges unlike the year before. i will have to continue to look to the Lord for strength. i will have to make more hard choices. im ready to make hard choices. that may seem silly, but until now i've never been put through the fire per say like this year. i generally have it pretty easy. im learning to handle things like an adult. im learning to stand up for the people i love and the things i believe. im learning that life doesnt always go as planned and thats okay. im learning that as fragile as my heart is, its also very strong. and most importantly, im learning to live life with open hands, so that i can be used however the Lord wants to use me. not an easy thing, but SO rewarding.

[im also aware that my grammar, capitalization, etc. is horrendous. its clearly not a pet peeve of mine, or even a care, sorry if its yours. :p]

i got off track as always. my mind thinks about so many things all the time, that when i sit down to vent and write, i go SO many directions. heh. but tying back to the quote in the beginning, i want what God wants. i want to love what is good for me, and what's good for me is God's will. so i suppose that seeking Him out with all i have is the best way to learn to love what's good for me. i really think i know best. [tessa, that is so dumb.] I DONT. accepting that things might just be better a different way than i had planned or expected is... something im still working on. constantly. im also thankful for nice distractions that are sent your way, that help you realize you are okay, and maybe even better than okay. yes, i believe so. this past week has been.... challenging to say the least. but i asked for grace to get through it, and im doing just that. thanks God.

and one more thing, i have made idols out of things that are not fit to be. recognizing that hasnt been hard, letting go HAS. only by His grace. "Those who cling to worthless idols forfeit the grace that could be theirs. Jonah 2:8