this life is a journey.

"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two." --st. augustine.

i have found that although being IN love is wonderful, love is much more beautiful. why? because of this quote. because when you love someone, you make a choice. its not a feeling. loving someone takes so much more of you than being in love. loving someone proves that we were created by someone so much bigger than us, because loving someone is one the hardest things to do. it can be painful, discouraging, scary, worrisome, dangerous,.. should i continue? you get my point. and i make love sound horrible. its not. its wonderful too, but its not perfect. it cant be. only one kind of love is, and thats the Father's. and because of His love, we can love. do you know how painful it is for Him to love us? all the things we do to hurt Him everyday, are all the same things that happen in everyday love except He reciprocates with just the opposite of human fleshly love.

love is a temporary madness. because once the temporary part is done, our flesh can no longer be in front. being IN love is our flesh, and as wonderful as it is, its not us choosing or working for anything. love that is easy, is not love.

because love isnt supposed to easy, but it is worth it. God promised us that.

im kinda.. ok really a dreamer. i like to imagine the way something should be or will be in my head, then when it doesnt happen that way i get all disappointed, let down, or upset. why? why do i put expectations on people and situations?

people arent perfect. i know that. and nothing goes according to plan. well, it does. it goes according to His plan. i guess i just get so caught up in my way of doing and seeing things-and watching movies/tv shows & reading books that make everything seem perfect doesnt help- i know life isnt a fairytale, but why is it that when something gets bad or goes wrong according to me, i run. i run away from it. and not literally, but in a sense i do my own running. i shut down, get mad, cry, piss people off. and the people i love the most, are the people i put the most expectations on. im sorry- the anyone who is reading this that i love- im sorry i put so many expectations on you, im sorry i push you to do things my way, im sorry i take control. im controlling. i know this about myself. i guess its a good thing i know, but it doesnt matter. i still do it. and i know why i control. controlling people control because they dont trust. they're afraid. they're afraid of something. getting hurt in some way or another. am i afraid of this? i know you cant answer that for me. i cant even answer it really.

i need to trust Him who never hurts. He doesnt leave. He doesnt break hearts. He doesnt forget about you or me. and i need to trust the people i love to love me back. i need to let them love me the way they want too and the best way that they can, because then it will really feel like love and not forced love. and i need to trust them to be themselves and let them take care of me on their own account, because they will. i know they will. but when i expect, when i push, when i control, it makes it hard for anyone to love me freely. they still do, but it makes it a task and not a choice. i want to be a choice, not a task. BUT. i am a choice. i was chosen by the Lord, the greatest choice. and i was chosen by my parents, kinda, but they didnt have to have me. and i was chosen by my boyfriend, even today i still am. and i was chosen by my friends, to be befriended. none of those people have to love me. but they do. so im going to stop being scared they might stop loving me one day. because they wont. yeah, they wont.

and i love you. yes, you.

jeremiah 29:11- yeah this applies alot. even though the whole world has heard it. which they should. because its true. and it gives me hope. it reminds me that im loves. always.