this life is a journey.

last october, one of my friends from high school went to see Jesus after a bad car crash. her boyfriend went with her also. it was a real hard thing to go through considering our small graduating class of 38. it only took 2 years for someone to pass away, but God knew what he was doing. this is an email that was sent to some people by her mother recently. my prayer is that we can all show love this way, to everyone we encounter, so that when that day comes that God decides its time for us to meet with Him, people will be absolutely positive we cared for them. and they were touched by us. let us leave a legacy to be remembered.

"My daughter taught me to love. It's a simple word that has a vast meaning. Love can mean compassion, uncensored and true, living in the moment. Love can be unconditional and unprotected and vulnerable, which is a scary place to be, a place most of us choose not to be. But my daughter taught me it is this place of love that holds the meaning of life for us here. The reason we're put here is to receive those precious gifts of love from the Lord all around us. At times we lose those gifts just to remind us that we're not here to place judgment, hold bad feelings, get lost in our own needs, but to extend or surpass our own boundaries and give love. For in the end, that's all we have." -Mrs. Hartrampf

amen. we miss you caroline.

"Can I ask you something? Hanging out with Jake seems to take your mind off things for a bit, doesn't it? You know sometimes, you gotta learn to love what's good for you, you know what I mean? Of course, what do I know? I'm just a terminal bachelor... Famous ladies man." charlie swan, TWILIGHT NEW MOON [movie]

im not a huge twilight fan or anything, although i might start because those boys[jacob & edward] are two sexy, sultry men. anyway, this quote doesnt seem like a big deal or anything and its better in context when youre watching the movie, but its the only one that really stuck with me. "you know sometimes, you gotta learn to love whats good for you." im learning to do that. so slowly, but its happening. and for me, learning to love what's good for me is about learning to love the Lord more & more. really it is. as i seek Him, He makes it more aware that i too often love what FEELS good to me, rather than love what is good FOR me. im SO incredibly stubborn. that needs some work.

this year has been a crazy ride. its been the hardest year of my life, the most rewarding, the most impacting, the most faithful i have seen God be to me.... its been tough. im ready for 2010, a new year, a new decade, that will bring NEW things, new life even. it will also bring hardships with it as well. i think thats something im realizing as im growing up- each year will bring challenges unlike the year before. i will have to continue to look to the Lord for strength. i will have to make more hard choices. im ready to make hard choices. that may seem silly, but until now i've never been put through the fire per say like this year. i generally have it pretty easy. im learning to handle things like an adult. im learning to stand up for the people i love and the things i believe. im learning that life doesnt always go as planned and thats okay. im learning that as fragile as my heart is, its also very strong. and most importantly, im learning to live life with open hands, so that i can be used however the Lord wants to use me. not an easy thing, but SO rewarding.

[im also aware that my grammar, capitalization, etc. is horrendous. its clearly not a pet peeve of mine, or even a care, sorry if its yours. :p]

i got off track as always. my mind thinks about so many things all the time, that when i sit down to vent and write, i go SO many directions. heh. but tying back to the quote in the beginning, i want what God wants. i want to love what is good for me, and what's good for me is God's will. so i suppose that seeking Him out with all i have is the best way to learn to love what's good for me. i really think i know best. [tessa, that is so dumb.] I DONT. accepting that things might just be better a different way than i had planned or expected is... something im still working on. constantly. im also thankful for nice distractions that are sent your way, that help you realize you are okay, and maybe even better than okay. yes, i believe so. this past week has been.... challenging to say the least. but i asked for grace to get through it, and im doing just that. thanks God.

and one more thing, i have made idols out of things that are not fit to be. recognizing that hasnt been hard, letting go HAS. only by His grace. "Those who cling to worthless idols forfeit the grace that could be theirs. Jonah 2:8

today is thanksgiving. im sitting down in my room all by myself, after helping my mom cook. i cant fight this feeling in my stomach. its in knots. the holidays have always been beautiful and they still are, of course. but im scared.

thanksgiving, christmas, new years, my birthday, ...... the list goes on. how am i supposed to do this without you?.... you were supposed to be here. with me.

im sad. and i need to get over it. today is a day of thanks. and im thankful, really. but i didnt expect today to be so grieving to me. i cant help but fake a smile today... maybe i wont have to fake it the whole time... but i will literally have to "fake it til you make it" today.

i dont have much to say. my heart is in pieces today. my stomach is in knots. my head is a mess. and my face shows.


today, im thankful for grace to get through it all. because i know i will.

for the evening, i've been watching one of shows that i enjoy, and decided to watch another one to keep me from actually thinking before i try to sleep. oh, why would i do that? i've been doing that SO much lately. just holding myself back from actually feeling what i need to feel, thinking what i need to think.... i cant shake this one. not tonight. and for the first time in awhile, thats okay with me. im so ready to be over & done with us. ready to actually be able to wear a real smile when people ask how im doing. im not okay.

the good thing is, God is capable of getting me exactly where He wants me. and He will. i know its going to continue to be a long hard road, but He's got a plan. im literally putting one foot in front of the other these days. i just realized how vulnerable im being here, for anyone that actually reads this.

i dont even know where my head is at. can i get some appreciation? some love? maybe some encouragement?

i need a lyric break.

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And I can’t carry on living like this,
talking through glass.
You know that I can’t be the one to banish the mist,
and ghosts in your past.

And so I’m left without a choice but walking out,
Though I’ve no hope I’ll ever find someone like you.
My head screaming I have to leave you,
but my heart is filled with doubts;
I don’t I wanna leave, but tell me what else can I do?

-thrice. talking through glass. [brilliant artists. christian lead. lyrics are moving, go read some.]

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is anything too hard for the Lord?

"the only thing too hard for the Lord is our deliberate and continual disbelief in His love and power, and our ultimate rejection of His plans for us."

tomorrow comes the song.