this life is a journey.

in an effort to find some pictures to put up in my room, i found more than i bargained for. going through a special drawer that still remains was the culprit that brought it all back. sheesh. i shouldve known. im weak tonight.

there were more sweet notes than i ever remember. you're a witty boy. cards full of love. flowers dried from many moons ago. a list of 78 things i wanted to do with you, i never even showed you. many we finished, many we didnt.

star wars 3 came out may 18, 2005. you were in a wheelchair. in another theatre. we texted through the whole movie. i thought you were adorable. this was the start of my movie stub collection. way to encourage the pack rat in me, without even realizing it.

our first kiss was unforgettable. the date was forgettable, the moment is not. i hope ill always remember it the way i do.

june 30, 2006 you handed me a note through the king road sbux drve thru. it had an alligator on it, warning me not to get eaten up. go figuure.

september 1, 2006 you asked me out, again. on a piece of paper. i said yes. just like in the movies. imagine that.

valentines day cards with your witty, sweet words were found. and of course my v-day movies. i adore those. rainy day cards appeared because those were our favorite days. and our favorite days to cuddle. you really were a good cuddle buddy.

birthday princess gear still in tact. should i bring that out for my 21st?.... we'll see. i cant believe you wont be a part of my life for my birthday.

big papa dill pickle, still packaged. i dont even remember where you got him from.

ticket stubs from all kinds of places and adventures, i cant even begin to start. thats an oxymoron.

the day you drove away from my house with ALL your stuff in the car, i didnt think i would ever see you again. i was wrong.

sept.1 you talked to me online. well, technically, it was sept.2. you had a hard day because sept.1 was/is special to us as stated before. it was then i knew i still loved you all the same, although i had done a real good job of convincing myself otherwise.

sept. 10 i met you at your park to talk. i hadn't seen you in 3 months. that was crazy to me. that night was crazy too. we talked for hours. a deep conversation. emotions flew high. you said you knew we werent supposed to be together then, but you couldnt let me go. you couldnt let go of the thought of spending forever with me, still. i can feel that night on my skin. that sounds weird, but you know.

i wont go to six flags for awhile. you know why. its okay. i understand. and i forgive you for it. taking the easy way out wasnt an option for you anymore. it wasnt for me either, i just didnt know i was doing it at the time.

the last thing i stuffed in that drawer was our brand new tickets. that concert was phenomenal. and i might remember that as our last night. our last night of nothing that was actually something. because after 4 years, its gonna take awhile for something great to be nothing at all.



most of all, in that drawer, there was lots of love that i took for granted. there was more than i could have ever asked for. it was my first love story. you were my first real love. thank you for letting me fall madly in love with you. and i know you felt the same. its all there in the drawer. too bad you're not in there. hah.

of course, thats just stuff, but that stuff is a physical representation of our memories, the love we shared, us growing up. thanks for those. for realzz.

all this happened while lifehouse is playing on my mac-daddy in the background. good choice, [tessa.]

"i loved you more than you'll ever know, part of me died, when i let you go."

i know youre shaking your head, thinking this girl has always been crazy. you loved me, regardless. because for so long, i didnt believe you did. but you did. very much. im not really sure what this is. i guess its a 'hey, we had a great love, its sad to see it go, but i know it had to.' or maybe its something completely different. i cant actually talk to you. so this is it. this is my way of venting to you, just like i always did.

and will you ever read this? if you get here, congratulations. you did it. im proud of you. dont EVER forget that.

peace. love. and sushi. my new favorite thing.